Yes, I'll have some videos, and pictures, & some new shit I like every now & then . But Sorry Kiddos - this blog wont be about "what's hot, or new, or instyle" . It wont be center on celebrities & new shit coming out, because honestly I could give less of a fuck . This blog will be centered around my thoughts, my poems, my wishes, my dreams, and my escapes .

Friday, March 27, 2009

feelings for him will fade, but never dissapear.

"What am i going to wear?"
"What am i going to say?"
"Will he be happy to see me?"
So many thoughts ran through my head
as I got ready to drive to Harris County Jail
to visit my ex-boyfriend ______ .
I rampaged through my full closet .
I decided on some black skinny jeans, a black and sliver tee,
and my silver Supras . Not too flashy , but nice enough .
I bumped 808's halfway there ;
but then the songs started reminding me of past memories.
So I listened to Trae's "Life Goes On"
for the rest of the ride .
Finally, I arrived there .
( an 1 hour plus drive )
I parked and sat in the car for a good 30 minutes .
"Z-ro - Lonely" blasting from the speakers .
Tears slipped down my face, for no apparent reason .
I wanted to turn around & go home .
I wanted to be rid of him, entirely .
"What I am doing here?" I said outloud .
Finally I turned off the ignition
& stared at the mirror .
I didnt like what I saw .
I reapplied my eyeliner & carmex
& stepped out of the car .
As soon as I stepped out ,
Some dude came out of nowhere,
and came behind me saying something .
I couldnt hear him,
I couldnt hear anything
but my rapid heartbeat .
"Looking nice . .bla bla . . phone number?"
the words drifted in and out of my ear.
I looked up at him ; he was cute ; nice smile .
But I couldnt really see him,
I couldnt see anythinq
but _____'s face .
I mindlessly put his number in my phone,
though i knew I would never use it .
I walked through the doors of the visiting hall
& I felt every eye on me .
Im used to this, because of the way I dress,
but this was really serene because of how quiet everyone was.
I walked up to a big half moon desk.
"I'm here to visit _____ _______ ; prisoner number _________"
She took my Driver's License information
& told me to sit down and I would be told when he was ready.
I complied and took a seat by a window .
I hate the smell of this place ; I felt like throwing up.
It seemed so . . final .
"What am I doing here?" I thought in my head.
Memories screamed into my head .
May 25, 2007 .
Red Flashes .
"Dumb bitch!"
"I hate you!"
"Get The Fuck Out!"
Blowns thrown .
Webster's Dictionary.
Blood . Him, on the floor .
Running through the door .
tears, all the tears .
So many tears .
"Kelechi . . Tiko-Okoye?"
I blinked as reality set in.
"yes,that's me"
"Are you ready?"
I nodded .
I could feel my breakfast coming up to my throat.
My heart begin to beat out of my chest.
I wanted to turn around and run out of here.
Instead, I followed the clerk to security station.
I slowly walked through the metal detector .
It was so loud ; everyone was yelling .
The guard walked me to a booth
where there was a telephone and a glass wall .
I sat down , and looked at him looking back at me.
I couldn't hold them back anymore ;
The memories grabbed me , held me captive, freezing me .
December 12th, 2004
First meeting .
his smile.
his laugh.
97.9 blasting Nelly's "My Place"
December 31st, 2004.
Walking to his house.
He was so happy to see me.
'Will you be my girl?'
Kisses at midnight.
laughs, and laughs.
The blinking sign on the neighbor's lawn.
Love, all the love.
So much love.
Again, I returned to reality.
There he was , in front of my eyes.
My first love, the guy who changed my life.
he looked so different, but yet all the same.
My mouth was so dry, I couldn't say anything.
I grabbed the telephone, as did he .
"KC?" he yelled
"Yes." I yelled back
"Shit. Didnt expect you"
"How, have you been?"
"Im okay"
The conversation continued on like that .
Frivolous shit, that didnt mean a gotdamn thing.
We were bullshitting around, and we both knew it.
You only get 15 minutes . & we had wasted at least 10 .
Time, was running out.
"I miss you"
the words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"I miss you, too" he replied
I looked him in the eyes for the first time since I sat down.
They were full of sadness, of strength, of regret?
A tear fell out of his eye.
I held back my throwup.
I didnt want him to go.
I wanted him, to get in the car
& drive off with me
I wanted everything to be okay
I wanted to feel how I felt with him
I wanted to be in love again
I wanted to be wanted again
I wanted it all
but Im left with nothing
"All right, let's go" the guard screamed at him
"Nice seeing you." he yelled into the phone
I stared into his vacant eyes .
This person in front of me was a complete stranger.
"You, too . . You,too" I managed to scream over the noise.
He followed the guard back into the jail.
"I love you." I whispered into the phone.
"I still love you."
I hung up the phone.
I wanted out of this place so bad.
All the noise hurt my head.
I could still see his face,
hear his voice.
I ran into the ladies bathroom
& threw up in the toliet.
Why the fuck was I affected like this?
I looked in the mirror
& didnt like what I saw.
"Why did I come?"
"why the fuck did I come?"
I sat in the car
& cried so many silent, angry tears.
I was angry at myself.
I was angry at him.
I was angry at my feelings.
I was angry at everything.
I turned on the ignition
& leaving both him,
and my feelings for him there.
& I knew, that I would never come back again.

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