Second Chances .

" Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater "

........... right ?

feelings for him will fade, but never dissapear.

"What am i going to wear?"
"What am i going to say?"
"Will he be happy to see me?"
So many thoughts ran through my head
as I got ready to drive to Harris County Jail
to visit my ex-boyfriend ______ .
I rampaged through my full closet .
I decided on some black skinny jeans, a black and sliver tee,
and my silver Supras . Not too flashy , but nice enough .
I bumped 808's halfway there ;
but then the songs started reminding me of past memories.
So I listened to Trae's "Life Goes On"
for the rest of the ride .
Finally, I arrived there .
( an 1 hour plus drive )
I parked and sat in the car for a good 30 minutes .
"Z-ro - Lonely" blasting from the speakers .
Tears slipped down my face, for no apparent reason .
I wanted to turn around & go home .
I wanted to be rid of him, entirely .
"What I am doing here?" I said outloud .
Finally I turned off the ignition
& stared at the mirror .
I didnt like what I saw .
I reapplied my eyeliner & carmex
& stepped out of the car .
As soon as I stepped out ,
Some dude came out of nowhere,
and came behind me saying something .
I couldnt hear him,
I couldnt hear anything
but my rapid heartbeat .
"Looking nice . .bla bla . . phone number?"
the words drifted in and out of my ear.
I looked up at him ; he was cute ; nice smile .
But I couldnt really see him,
I couldnt see anythinq
but _____'s face .
I mindlessly put his number in my phone,
though i knew I would never use it .
I walked through the doors of the visiting hall
& I felt every eye on me .
Im used to this, because of the way I dress,
but this was really serene because of how quiet everyone was.
I walked up to a big half moon desk.
"I'm here to visit _____ _______ ; prisoner number _________"
She took my Driver's License information
& told me to sit down and I would be told when he was ready.
I complied and took a seat by a window .
I hate the smell of this place ; I felt like throwing up.
It seemed so . . final .
"What am I doing here?" I thought in my head.
Memories screamed into my head .
May 25, 2007 .
Red Flashes .
"Dumb bitch!"
"I hate you!"
"Get The Fuck Out!"
Blowns thrown .
Webster's Dictionary.
Blood . Him, on the floor .
Running through the door .
tears, all the tears .
So many tears .
"Kelechi . . Tiko-Okoye?"
I blinked as reality set in.
"yes,that's me"
"Are you ready?"
I nodded .
I could feel my breakfast coming up to my throat.
My heart begin to beat out of my chest.
I wanted to turn around and run out of here.
Instead, I followed the clerk to security station.
I slowly walked through the metal detector .
It was so loud ; everyone was yelling .
The guard walked me to a booth
where there was a telephone and a glass wall .
I sat down , and looked at him looking back at me.
I couldn't hold them back anymore ;
The memories grabbed me , held me captive, freezing me .
December 12th, 2004
First meeting .
handshakes.
the ELECTRICITY.
his smile.
his laugh.
97.9 blasting Nelly's "My Place"
December 31st, 2004.
Walking to his house.
He was so happy to see me.
'Will you be my girl?'
Kisses at midnight.
laughs, and laughs.
The blinking sign on the neighbor's lawn.
Perfection.
Love, all the love.
So much love.
Again, I returned to reality.
There he was , in front of my eyes.
My first love, the guy who changed my life.
he looked so different, but yet all the same.
My mouth was so dry, I couldn't say anything.
I grabbed the telephone, as did he .
"KC?" he yelled
"Yes." I yelled back
"Shit. Didnt expect you"
"Oh."
"How, have you been?"
"Im okay"
The conversation continued on like that .
Frivolous shit, that didnt mean a gotdamn thing.
We were bullshitting around, and we both knew it.
You only get 15 minutes . & we had wasted at least 10 .
Time, was running out.
"I miss you"
the words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"I miss you, too" he replied
I looked him in the eyes for the first time since I sat down.
They were full of sadness, of strength, of regret?
A tear fell out of his eye.
I held back my throwup.
I didnt want him to go.
I wanted him, to get in the car
& drive off with me
I wanted everything to be okay
I wanted to feel how I felt with him
I wanted to be in love again
I wanted to be wanted again
I wanted it all
but Im left with nothing
"All right, let's go" the guard screamed at him
"Nice seeing you." he yelled into the phone
I stared into his vacant eyes .
This person in front of me was a complete stranger.
"You, too . . You,too" I managed to scream over the noise.
He followed the guard back into the jail.
"I love you." I whispered into the phone.
"I still love you."
I hung up the phone.
I wanted out of this place so bad.
All the noise hurt my head.
I could still see his face,
hear his voice.
I ran into the ladies bathroom
& threw up in the toliet.
Why the fuck was I affected like this?
I looked in the mirror
& didnt like what I saw.
"Why did I come?"
"why the fuck did I come?"
I sat in the car
& cried so many silent, angry tears.
I was angry at myself.
I was angry at him.
I was angry at my feelings.
I was angry at everything.
I turned on the ignition
& leaving both him,
and my feelings for him there.
& I knew, that I would never come back again.

Papa's Got A Brand New Excuse;

In this episode, Will's father comes back into his life after 14 years, only to break his heart yet again . This scene is when Will says goodbye to his father & starts ranting to Uncle Phil about how he successfully grew up without the help of his so-called father and later breaks into tears is THE one of the most memorable moment in the entire series, as it displays the hidden vulnerability in Will's character. We all know Will Smith is funny as hell, But this episode proves that he is more than just a TV comedian - it shows his more serious acting side. After seeing this episode, i knew Will Smith was going to be something BIG . Another thing about this scene that makes it so special is the hug between Uncle Phil and Will at the end which speaks volumes about their relationship; that Uncle Phil isn't there just to whip Will's behind as we see in almost every other episode, but that he's the only father that Will has ever had and that no altercation between them could ever change that. Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, will go down in history as the best show ever ran .

The truth? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH .

FUCK THE TRUTH .

Dudes lie to me & so i lie them BACK .

im tired of these pussy - hungry little boys .

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN
WHAT LIES BETWEEN MY LEGS .

I want to meet a dude who stimulates my mind ;
who I can talk to about the the tough times i had in life ;
& the fact that I dont know if I can
keep a relationship long enough to be somebody's wife .

I want someone who is my BEST friend ;
who I cant stop laughing whenever he's around

I want someone who treats his mother like a queen
who has GOALS in his LIFE but still
wastes money on dumb things, like Nikes & Weed

I want someone to watch football games with on his couch
& argue about who's the best wide reciecver in the league
( andre johnson, if you were wondering )

I want someone who cares about me ; to WAIT .
if you want some QUICK PUSSY,
tell me that UPFRONT .
so i can let you know it AINT going down ;
& you can move on to the NEXT chick .
instead of acting like you really like me
wasting BOTH of ours time .

God, why cant boys be HONEST ?
is it so fucking HARD to tell the truth ?

Are there ANY real men out there ?
I am slowly but surely starting to lose hope for the black men in America .

"To All The Boys I've Loved Before"

Can I Get An Amen?

We live, We learn .

I've learned alot in my 17 years of breathing .
I've learned that God is greater than any battle .
I've learned that I am not like other girls .
I've learned that I will do for me , since no one else will .
I've learned that Mary Jane has slowly but surely
become my best friend to confide in .
I've learned that time doesnt heal all wounds .
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived .
I've learned that love isnt anything like the movies .
I've learned that people that actually dare to be different are the true heroes in this world .
I've learned that actions speak alot louder than words .
I've learned that my pride/temper is my worst enemy .
I've learned that family wont always be there
+& most boys are scandalous hoes .
I've learned that commitment is a scary, adult thing
that really should not be rushed into .
I've learned that people are fake +& just tell you what you want to hear - and best friends are never forever - I've learned that forever is a lie - nothing lasts forever .
I've learned that people's true colors will come out
in due time, and you must pay attention .
But I've also learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change - no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that .
I've learned that true soulmates are not perfect, in fact they are far from it, your soulmate is someone who pisses you off on a regular basis ; makes you face your shit
+& isnt afraid to hurt your feelings . .
I've learned you can do something - in an instant
that will give you heartache - for life.
I've learned that my tougue has a million bite marks
from all the things I never said .
I've learned that first loves are unforgetable and life altering & the pain will never fully heal .
I've learned that if you love someone, tell them, bcusz hearts are too often broken by words left unspoken .
I've learned that missing someone hurts the heart, physically, mentally, and emotionally .
I've learned that a relationship will last if the emotion and mental comes before the physical cusz regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place .
I've learned that my greatest strength
is also my greatness weakness .
I've learned that niggas are not necessities
+& neither is sex .
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret - It could change your life forever.
I've learned forgetting is alott harder than forgiving . &+ it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that every dark cloud has a sliver lining .
I've learned that honesty is truly the best policy .
I've learned to stop daydreaming about things that will never happen & dressing up for the boy that will never care
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words - It may be the last time you see/talk to them.
I've learned that high school is only a step
along my staircase to success .
I've learned to let go .
I've learned that my dreams are too bigg for this town .
I've learned that I fall too hard +& too fast .
and i've also learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that I, alone am responsible for my actions .
I've learned that it is best to forget how you feel
+& remember what you deserve.
I've learned that the rich are the most unhappy .
I've learnedd that dreams are not always attainable & sometimes you must know when to move on with your life . Ive learned that life is a bitch +& always let you down .
I've learned that I must control my attitude
or it will control me .
I've realized how insane I'm going for someone that's a big celebrity & 6 years older than me - but i am in love, i dont choose who i fall in love with, so why judge something that is completely out of my hands ?
I've learned that love can make you do crazy shit, love can make you feel for someone you don't even know, love can be the best feeling the world, but it can also be the worst .
I've learned that shit, love isnt very beautiful when your bawling your eyes crazy and the knife keeps getting closer & closer to your throat .
I've learned that my mother has dissapointed me in so many ways that I cant even look her in the eyes anymore .
I've learned that my feelings for him will fade,
but never completely dissapear .
I've learned that on the contrary, most people that go to church are huge hypocrites .
I've learned that all the memories can they make me laugh so hard, but mostly make me cry because of how fucking much things have changed .
I've learned that things will never be the same -
Mo City will never be the same
& that is the biggest heartbreak of all .
I've learned that sometimes,
the people you expect to kick you when you're down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.
& sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
& just cause someone don't love you the way you wanted
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, life will go on . shit happens . we live, we learn, we crash, we burn . this, too shall pass.
I've learned that my background and circumstances may have influenced my opportunities & who I am,
but I am responsible for who I become .
&+ just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other .
I strongly believe noone will ever know me like myself .
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned people are HEARTLESS .
I've learned that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon & too sudden .
I've learned that knowing death is a part of life
doesnt ease the harsh pain any less .
I've learned that crying does help .
I've learned that I am not perfect ,
not even a lil bit close ,
but I am doing the best i can .
As I'm living , I'm learning just like you .
I've learned that i only have one life to live , and i will be damned if I arrive at the grave in a well perserved body, but i'll skid in sideways, hair wild, clothes torn, breathing hard, screaming "shit, what a crazy ride !"

Waiting to Exhale .

(inhale)

I.hate.weddings.
Their never fast
and something about my past -
reminds me that forever never lasts.
But enough about that,
we have a sitation you see,
because the love of my life
is getting married today,
but not to me,
its supposed to be,
We've been best friends,
before Barbie met Ken,
before Rocko had a modern life,
& before Cow and Chicken were friends..
So who THE HELL is SHE ?..
Who THE HELL is SHE
to take him away from me,
I wanna run, I wanna cry,
I wanna live, I wanna die,
I wanna scream, I wanna shout,
I want my hidden feelings
to come out.
T O O . L A T E .
I can faintly hear
the preacher announce that she is his wife,
and the pain of it all cuts deeper than knives.
I got to get out of here ..
I've got to get out of here!
But before I can, HE pulls me near,
"Well, KC.. what do you think?...
What do you think?!"
I think... I think...
I think it's so absurd --
the way I gotta keep
from choking words..
I think that my heart
is qoinq to explode from cryinq --
I think that my mind
is qoinq to explode from tryinq --
to fiqure out the riqht words to say:
to make everythinq okay..
to make this all just qo away..
Shit , I think that
love is not patient
and love is not kind
It brinqs false hope
and leaves you blind
Love hurts the mind
and kills the soul,
It fills up you up,
then leaves a hole
Love can read you so easily,
as if you were an open book--
It can change
the course of your life forever
with just one look ;
Love crashes into you
as suddenly and painful as a car,
l e a v i n g you --
wanting and needing,
fighting and bleeding,
yelling and screaming,
vunerable and open,
lonely and broken,
of thing left u n s p o k e n .
"I think it's great, J."
He smiled, gave me a hug,
and walked away.
Stomping all over my heart
with every single step.
Not telling him
was my biggest regret..
+& Im going to try
my hardest to heal..
But this cut's too deep..
and this pain's too REAL.
I.hate.weddings.

(exhale)

KANYE OMARI WEST

KANYE OMARI WEST

If you know me, then you know that I am a Kanye West FIEND . You can say obessessed, if you want . He is my favorite rapper & producer in the whole world . I've been rocking with Kanye BEFORE 808'S, BEFORE Graduation, and BEFORE Dropout, Ive been rocking with Kanye when most of yall didnt know who he was . When he produced beats for JAY on His Blueprint album . Ive seen Kanye evolve and mature . Some of all, aint rocking with the "new" Kanye, all that singing shit . You dont like it . well FUCK YOU . you dont have to like it . Do you know how much shit's Kanye's been through this past year? His girlfriend/fiancee of 6 years leaves him , right after his mother dies . Thats some fucked up shit! He's getting his emotions out . If you a true 'Ye fan, then you wouldve noticed that he didnt even try to promote this album at all . He didnt GIVE A FUCK if yall was gun vibe to it or not . He did it for him, to get this shit off his chest . He's pouring his heart out on that record, letting people know that the celeb life is not everything it seems . shit is lonely & unhappy . I digg 808's because it's HEARTFELT . no fake shit, just REAL SHIT . about REAL problems . everyone can relate to that shit . & i love Kanye even more , because i know his managers & shit were like , "Kanye , people arent going to understand this. Lets just go back to whats been making us $$$$" . Kanye understands that HIP HOP does not stay the SAME . He can see the future & all yall lil wayne-jockers are still stuck in the past . Not saying that I dont miss the old Kanye , HELL THE FUKC YEAH I DO . But shit, change is sometimes painful, and sometimes beautiful, but most of the time, its BOTH . I understand what Kanye's doing and shit, I applaud it . I know, Kanye . . is a little too much sometimes . But shit, he makes mistakes, the mothefucker is HUMAN you know. he's not a GOD . he's just a dude form the Chi who was ill w ith a deal, but he wasnt talking Coke & birds . . it was more like S P O K E N W O R D . Ina keep rocking with yeezy , now & forever more . He made me fall even more in love with Hip Hop . He keeps Hip Hop breathing , he is the very essense of everything a Hip Hop artist should be . So here's to you, Kanye . HERES TO YOU .

he who shall not be named .

He who shall not be named . When I first met you, I never knew I was going to end up like this . When you invited me to your little party you were having . Flirt here & there. Eventually, We started talking . Easing slightly into a relationship that I never saw coming . You were my best friend . Yes, I had my guard up at first . But It all came crumbling down after awhile . But No relationship is perfect . We argued so much, it was ridiculous . Sometimes I hated you so much that I couldn't stand you . Sometimes I swore that I would never talk to you again . Then sometimes I thanked the angels for bringing you into my life . But whenever we were together, it was perfection . Butterflies would collide in my stomach . Being next to you alone gave me shivers . Your arms, they were where I felt safe . happy . accepted . It was more than a physical thing, it was emotional & mental . I told you things, that I had never told anyone else . You were always there for me ; Even though I know I'm not perfect & i can be a bitch sometimes . I remember the song you wrote for me "fuck them other girls, your the only one" . Yes, i still remember . I remember alot . I still remember the day you told me that you loved me . the night before, you had came to my house at 2 in the morning & the didn't leave till 6 in the morning . and NOTHING physical happened. We just laid in my bed, happy to be in each others company . I had on boxers, my hair tied, no makeup on, and you called me "beautiful" and I knew you meant it . For those 4 hours, nothing mattered . There was only me & you in the world . Then the time came for you to go, and I swear my heart broke into two . We didn't get to see each other as much as we liked because you stay on the North side of Houston and I , On the south . Your kisses, they took me to another place . they grabbed at my heart . They were my safe haven . The next morning while I was at work, I received a text message from you saying "Do you love me?" . I was shocked off my ass . I mean, yeah I cared about you alot . But I hadnt used the word love since . . . Carlos . and damn, that was almost 3 years ago . I thought hard about it, Did I love you? No, I didnt . I just cared for you deeply . So I texted back "No, but I care about you ALOT" . Then you texted back "I Love you" . My heart screamed. Could I be dreaming ? Did he just tell me that he loved me? Did he mean it? Is it just trying to say it to get in my pants? So many thoughts surrounded my brain . I felt on Cloud 9 . After a couple weeks, I told you that I loved you, too . Because I did. I had been in alot of relationships before, but none had felt like this. I felt like I could be with you forever, and never look back. But alas, nothing lasts forever . Before we knew it, we were stuck . Stuck in a place of jealously, and lies . Immaturity was a big factor . I just didnt trust you & you just didnt trust me . I played games with you, because that's all I knew . I tried to talk to other boys because I knew you were talking to other girls . Except for me, them boys didnt do shit for me . The whole time I was with them, I was thinking about you . The agruments continued . The good times were forgotten . I stopped taking your bullshit, so You stopped taking mines . The truth came out . you were too busy trying to CHANGE ME, then you didnt have any time to LOVE ME . I cried angry tears . You thought I never cared, shit problem was I cared too much . Way more than you, who didnt even give enough of a fuck to stop talking to other girls . Next thing I knew, we were no more. I was forgotten in the wind & you moved on to other girls . It hurt then, It hurts now . Its been months, but Im still stuck on you . Im not like going CRAZY over you or anything . and i don't think of you too often . Its just every relationship Ive tried to get in after you, these niggas don't compare . They dont do it for me, like you did, I dont understand why . Maybe its because you were the only guy, who just wanted me for me, not for what was in between my legs. Maybe its because I felt like you understood me, at least you pretended to . Obviously, you didn't give a fuck . The "breakup" didnt even phase you . Your too busy getting money & fucking bitches to think about me . Well, shit im still here. Wishing I wasnt . Wishing that I could actually meet a dude that makes me forget all about you . Wishing that I didnt look at every dude & wish they were you . Wishing my heart didnt wish it was you, not these whack ass busters calling me . Wishing that you cared , even a little bit . But I know you dont . I know our whole "relationship" was a JOKE to you . While Im out here, posting blogs and shit , Your out THERE, fucking hella girls saying "KC Who?" . Okay so I couldnt help myself, I just recently got back into contact with you . I talked to my best friend, and she thinks Im stupid to try to get it back . she thinks the past should stay in the past . but she doesnt understand, no one understands except me and you . no one else understands HOW REAL it was for me . who knows what will happen between us .
maybe nothing will happen . maybe we'll both just forget about each other again & not speak in another 20 years . maybe we'll get it right this time . maybe it's just not in the cards for us . or maybe, just maybe ; it's fate & we've both realized how stupid we were being .

either way, only time will tell .