finally giving up on MRC ;

This blog is a sad one .
It hurts, so much .
So much .
If you know me well,
you know that
Pleasure P aka Marcus Ramone Cooper
has been a HUGE part of my life .
insanelyyyyyyyy HUGE .
he'll never understand
the world will never understand
& i dont fucking blame them
because i dont even understand
why im so crazy about this guy
I've been ridinq with him since April o5
I've met him a couple times
I even have his personal cell number
some might call me lucky
some might call me crazy
but the thing is - - - -
No one understands ,
except this girl Jennifer .
I remember summer 07 - and I remember it well .
That was Pretty Ricky ERA .
Me & Wendy were best of friends .
Everyone envied us .
We would call Pretty Ricky 24/7
they would call us back .
We met them .
They commented us on myspace
They message us on myspace .
They were my brothers .
They were my life .
and inevitably ,
I started falling more deeper in love with MRC
Everyone from that Pretty Ricky ERA
has came to their senses & forgot about Pretty Ricky .
They no longer give a fuck .
Shit, I wish it was that easy for me .
I wish I could just forget alll the memories .
I wish I could just forget sitting down with Marcus
talking to him for hours , laughing with him .
I wish I could forget how his skin felt under my lips .
I wish I could forget how his voice sounded in my ear .
I wish I could forget how my heart would jump -
when I saw it was him calling my cell phone .
I know people think im bugging -
but My love for this dude is real .
Realer than I've ever felt about anyone .
His voice sends me to the heavens & back .
& When Im next to him, I want to throw up & cry all at the same time .
I am in love , with a stranger .
Sure, he has my name saved in his phone .
& He'd probably recongzine me, if we meet again .
But that's it .
Im not in his life .
They say if you want something bad enough,
you'll get it .
I dont believe that .
Ive been dying for this dude for over 4 years now .
Im finally letting go . . .
I will forever be a fan of his . . .
& I will forever love him . . .
But I will no longer be in love with him .
It's already killing me . .
I just heard one of his songs "Under"
& started crying . .
I dont know whats harder -
holding on or letting go .
Fuck, i wish yall could see inside my heart .
Words cannot explain, they just cant .
A lot of yall wont understand this blog -
you wont understand why I feel this way .
I cannot control who I am in love in with .
I wish I could , I wish I could just forget about him .
You guys dont understand how hard it is .
This aint no groupie shit,
this is a love that lives insides me , wakes me up at night,
keeps the smiles coming and keep tears rolling .
people say just call him and tell him
yeah fucking right .
where the hell would i start?
how do i go about telling him
that's his my EVERYTHING
when he barely knows my name .
Marcus is a lost hope .
We'll never be together .
People say "have faith"
thats all i've fucking had!
I've believed in him so long .
I've loved him so long .
Do you know how tiring it is
to be in love with someone
who barely knows you?
DO YOU?
I dont think you do .
Well it fucking hurts .
It kills my heart on the daily .
Aw Damn, Here come the tears .
Im tired of being tired .
Im tired of for getting a piece of him .
I want all of him, forever with me .
Im tired of feeling like this .
Im finally letting go..
For good .
I am at peace ,
and fighting a war with myself all at the same time .
I loved you then -
I love you still .
I always have MRC ,
I always will .
but I am finally . .
moving on with my life .
so - Goodbye, old love .
My heart can't take it anymore .